Thursday, May 31, 2012

Depression and Anxiety Update

I recently came across this post by The Bloggess.  She's an uber famous blogger, perhaps the funniest person ever and also very real.  She doesn't fake it.  When things are bad, they're bad. 

I'm not like that.  I fake it.  I try very hard to pretend or to find ways to cope, which aren't always healthy or sane or popular amongst people around me. 

I wrote this post a few years back "coming out" about my issues and received a plethora of support from friends and family.  It overwhelmed me and made me feel like I honestly am not alone in this extremely hard to understand battle of emotions.  If you don't have it.......I'm thrilled for you.  But, I also have a hard time explaining exactly what it feels like. 

I recall reading Dooce's blog eons ago and have always been struck with one single sentence that she wrote.....something about.....sitting on the edge of her bed, wringing her hands, wondering how she would make it through the next 5 minutes. 

I totally get that.  I have felt like that many times.  It started in my teen years and happens to me randomly, even on medication.  I guess this is just part of the condition.
Disease?  Illness?  Whatever the proper term may be. 

The complicated part comes in when I think about all that I have been blessed with and wrapping my head around the reality that I still suffer, despite that.  I feel like a spoiled brat.  It creates a cycle of self-hate because on paper, my life looks pretty good.  So, why can't I just "be happy"?

One of my dearest friends and I often talk about "choosing happiness".  I used to be a lot better about that than I am today.  I would wake and visit with her in the morning and tell her that I was going to have a good day, regardless of what my internal struggles were.......despite what my crazy head was spinning through. 

I have good days, but at 37 years old, still feel like I'm learning how to cope with the bad.  My medication helps (Zoloft, if you're curious).  Staying busy does, too.  My husband is remarkably patient with me, often at my worst......and my 3 wonderful children are hopefully still simply under the assumption that 'mom likes to nap a lot'. 

My reason for writing this today?  Nothing in particular.  Perhaps I just wanted to remind you all that behind this pretty picture that I draw a few days each week on the internet lies an intense struggle of depression and anxiety.  And, if you ever think you may be feeling something similar, don't hesitate to get help. 

My Stick Family from


Dee Stephens said...

Loving the new look! I think everyone is dealing with something whether they come out and admit it or not. I've had this conversation with a lot of bloggers.
Not all of us like to write about the bad even though it is there. xoxo

Carrie Darney said...

Girl, it is a daily struggle...even on meds. But we have to take it one day at a time. It is crazy how many others out there are needing a bit of help in this area...hang in there...lean on friends...that's what friends are for!

Love ya...

Tutus and Choo-Choos said...

Hang in there! We all try to cover up the bad and ugly because who wants to read or hear about the bad things. Everyone wants to hear the good stuff, so, therefore we all try to cover the bad up.

Wiz said...

I read the post you wrote a couple years ago and could our lives me any more similar?? You move to a new location and then find out your pregnant with a third when you have a seven month old. I am there now. I never write about how I struggle to cope sometimes...especially at night. Frankly I think I am not all that good at writing and I just couldnt do it justice. I think more women (and men) struggle with this than ever would admit or even realize. I remember the exact line that you are referring to with Dooce. Thanks for this post....I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who chucks her computer :)

Nicky said...

I have to say I just love your honesty and your wonderful outlook on life. You embrace everything - the good, the bad and the ugly. Every time I read one of your posts it brings a smile to my face, even the sadder posts. You are so funny, generous with your time, and just amazing - it shines through in everything you do.

Thanks for bringing attention to an issue that is so often pushed to the back burner. It's important to let people know it's okay to deal with these problems and they are not alone.


donatelli98 said...

Thanks for this post! I oftentimes feel like a "spoiled brat" when things just aren't right. Love you friend!!

carolyn a robinson said...

Casey, I think everyone at some time of their lives deal with depression in some form. There are many ways to deal with It but if you are lucky enough to have careing friends who will listen and love you it makes it so much easier. The time is past to be embarrass by depression. Just keep your chin up and let people know you are having a bad day or feeling low!

Thinking of you,

The Lenzers said...

love your honesty! and the new blog look! still need you to work on mine, if i ever start up blogging again. the difference between you and me-you can push through and still do things. I want to curl up and sleep-lots! love you casey! wish we were closer

aunt caroline said...

Even through my worst days I would wake up and tell myself, "Today is going to be a good day." I'd look in the mirror and say it. While I knew that I was lying, it still helped. I don't know how, but it did. Love you.

Jodee said...

Casey -- I am so sorry to read about your depression. Sending big hugs your way!

Kelly Beatty said...

Since I'm sure there's never a "right thing to say"...I will always be your friend, no matter "what". Love you.

Kristen said...

I believe in the mantra choose happiness... and 90% of the time I can do that. But there are just days I cannot make it work. Seem to be more lately. This post helps more than you know, because I've been wrestling with the idea of getting help, or at least talking to someone for a while now.
And I can totally related to the spoiled brat feeling. Especially since Quinn. I shouldn't ever feel like I do because how could I ever need or want more than I have. And yet, there are these waves that wash over me that are so strong, and so dark, and I just can't beat them somedays.
Enough from me. I think the world of you.