Tuesday, June 29, 2010

It's Been A While

Today I went to a tanning bed salon (is that what it's called?).

I'm a little out of practice. Blake said I had to or spend the entire Cali vacation 25 feet down the beach from him. With the kids.

Blake, basking in all his unemployment glory, is the spitting image of a Tropicana guy girl right now. He owns it. And, looks lovely.

Me? Not so much. I don't care for the sun. I physically cannot go out during daylight without sunglasses and when I do, I wear sunblock. And, slather the children accordingly. I think long term, peeps. Wrinkles, sun spots, etc. Not interested.

But, I will agree with Blake's plea not only to deter the onlookers from being shocked with my white skin, but also to get a "base" tan to get the party started. I did so pre-Mexico and pre-Hawaii for years. It worked. I didn't burn.

So, I drove to the nearest salon (?). It was a little different from when I went 6 years ago.

To begin with, I'm a little bit older than the clientele. And, they added some neon.

No, wait. To begin with, I wore my Building Better Moms t-shirt. I feel kinda cute in it. Shut up.

When I walked in, I immediately saw an orange figure from behind the counter and thought, "I want to be like her."

Done. Deal sealed.

I inquired into services, contracts, lotions, etc. Told her we were leaving for vacation in a couple of weeks.....I think she spotted my mom-mobile in the parking lot....and gave me a look like, "No, s*&t." We were not off to a good start.

It's all changed. When she told me that I would work my way up to a 15 minute bed, I replied, (in my most southern-hick accent possible) "Well, the last time I tanned, there were 30 minute beds!"

****crickets****

****heads turning****

****more crickets****

She looked at me like, "Ok, dinosaur, follow me."

I did and walked into a spaceship looking like room and proceeded to get the low down of instructions. Even after 2 rounds of it, I failed. Miserably. I don't want to tan my face. EVER. I saw fans in the tanning bed. Music fed in as well. None of this existed when I tanned before. It was all new. And, overwhelming.

Obviously.

So, mid-session, I tried to follow orange-sicle's advice and shut down the machine. Mid-session. I tried again, started it again, and then shut it down. My insecure 35 year old mind is picturing tweeners that look like they could qualify for AARP 12 twenty-somethings at the front desk giggling in delight over my misfortune, so I pushed buttons until it started again and took it like a man. Or, woman. Tanning. Whatever.

Lesson learned? Nothing here.

32 comments:

Leiah said...

I'm heading back to Texas and going to Austin to Lake LBJ next weekend with 18 other girls from the class of 83. I thought it best NOT to go there looking like Gullington the Ghost so the last two nights I've gone to a friend's house here in Louisiana who has her own tanning bed. In her house. Anyway, tonight I decide to try a different lotion that I used last night. Wrong! I should have brought my readers in there. This stuff was called Hot or something. When I got out of there my skin was on fire! I couldn't even do the full 20 minutes - I could only do 12. Her bed is old with old bulbs so 20 minutes is probably equal to 3.5 in a fancy new bed in one of those tanning salons. Oh well, I've got 7 more days to go. I do know one thing - now I can truly say that I am NOT a hot kind of girl.

The Luis Family said...

IT has been awhile since I have done the tanning bed thing myself. I can relate to you and would be the village idiot having a go at it again! Good luck with the rest of your sessions! Hope they go a bit smoother for ya!

Jodee Leader said...

You poor thing! I would probably have a similar experience if I went to tan. I haven't been in a tanning bed in apx. 20 years and I have no interest in the sun whatsoever! My pasty white legs could scare anyone off!

timmonstimes said...

HILARIOUS! I've been busy this week and haven't dropped in. Thanks for the giggle tonight:) I needed that!

Heather said...

Oh my word!!!! I am dying!!! laughing!

"orange-cycle" "Blake in his unemployment glory..."

love it....

Please don't wear that "building better moms". shirt there again. tell her Coco.

Malinda said...

I'm right there with you on avoiding wrinkles and sun spots. Now that 40 is approaching way too quickly, I am obsessed with avoiding wrinkles. I wear Aveeno Faces 70.

I have never done a tanning bed and would also not know what to do. It was very funny to hear you tell your tale because I could picture myself doing the same thing.

Marguerite said...

You are right, not to like the sun. I fried my skin, when I was a lifeguard in high school.You're right, the long term is not good! Sorry, Blake! :)

Dee Stephens said...

I tanned for the wedding..and still tan some :)

Jenna Pucella said...

Oh, Honey! Tanning beds just suck. I used to get so freaked out in those things! If I were you I'd put on the bathing suit, go out in the backyard and lie in the sun sans spf (gasp, I know, but keep reading...) for just 10-15 minutes max on each side 3 days a week. You'll get a light, natural tan and you'll get your vitamin D production up. Fact: 40% of the US population is Vitamin D deficient. Fact: Vitamin D deficiency has been linked to depression, prostate cancer, breast cancer, ovarian cancer, depression, colon cancer and schizophrenia. Fact: Your risk of developing serious diseases like diabetes and cancer is reduced 50% - 80% through simple, sensible exposure to natural sunlight 2-3 times each week. I know this is long, but it's good info. Besides, this is what I do this for a living (health coach).

Allyson and Dave said...

I used to go to the tanning bed all the time. I loved being tan. But then I realized how bad it is for you and stopped. And now I have to go to the dermatologist more than I like to because the damage is done. So now I layout by the pool with suncreen on to maintain my tan. After going to the dermatoligist I have an extreme fear of the tanning bed. And I am not sure if what they say is true or if they are trying to be sure that I come see them once a year but they sure did scare me.

Tammy said...

I haven't been to a tanning bed in so long I can't remember. My sister did the spray tan thing before her vacation. I am a believer in sunscreen and lots of it. I love your recap of the situation. :)

Sara said...

Two words - SPRAY TAN


This was hilarious, by the way.

Shannon said...

I also often tan before a trip for the same reasons buuuuttttt...I don't find the tanning beds that complicated. Ha.

Shannon said...

(Oh, and DON'T spray tan! The saltwater will take it off in stripes and you'll look like an orange and white zebra.)

If the shoe FITZ said...

I haven't done tanning in like ten years and even back then they had music inside. Man, those were the days...I tanned like Ca-razy and I looked GOOD!
My mom went a few years ago for the first time and she didn't know to close the lid! ha!

~KS said...

Oh Casey.... this is cracking me up!! "Oh Dinosaur, Come this way." HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

I rarely go tanning- my biological grandfather died at age 29 of skin cancer- more than enough to freak me out and keep me lubed and lathered if I must be in the sun.

And besided, the oompa loompa look just never turned me on ;)

The Soladay Family said...

Hysterical!

I could totally see this post as an article in a mom magazine. Greatness!

Carrie Darney said...

I'm DYING...this was fabulous! Ha! Love it all! I hate tanning beds...BUT...before we go to Destin every year Ryan and I get a week at the tanning salon. It gives us a good base so we don't burn to a crisp on the white beaches!

Your story is hilarious!

merrilee said...

Great story, Casey. I love the orangesicle comment.

Monica said...

This is hilarious. I also didn't know what I was doing when I went to tan before the wedding. I like to get a natural tan, but have no patience to sit out in the Texas heat to do so. I had no clue what they were talking about when they asked me, "Do you want a level 4 bed?" Sure. When I tanned in college, there were no choices. It was just a plain, simple tanning bed. And we got those stickers...like a heart or a devil. LOL!

BrownEyedGirlsMom said...

Hang out by the pool for a few minutes each day and work on it naturally. Tanning beds suck!

Melissa said...

You crack me up!!

I am a fan of daily sunscreen & hats! I burned myself as a kid like crazy & am paying for it.

I scared some folks in the Bahamas last week but I wore my whiteness proudly! It is like my badge of good skincare - I am going to look hot at 60! I had a little glow when I left - I stayed lathered up. I say 'suck it' to those that don't appreciate that you care about your skin!

Good luck!

starnes family said...

Sara - try and keep up. A spray tan wouldn't work b/c I don't want to burn in the sun while there.

Brittny said...

when did they switch to 15 minute beds??? i think i've only been in a tanning bed 2, maybe 3, times in my life and like you, it was about 6 years ago.

then the spray tan came along. my first reaction was, "WHAT???????" i'm not an environmentalist by any means, but all i could think about were the chemicals those people had to be breathing in. even if you do hold your breathe.

you just convinced me to never ever step foot into another tanning salon again. not that i was planning to. i don't tan anyway.

Kelly Beatty said...

Base tan, schmase tan. I don't believe there's any such thing. If you don't wear sunscreen or you stay out there too long you'll get a sunburn regardless.

I lay out with spf 15 or get a spray tan if I'm going somewhere fancy. And I would say I've pretty much avoided wrinkles or sun spots. Although, I also would not recommend a spray tan if you will be seen in broad daylight. It looks crazy.

Good luck with all that! You'll look great regardless. Oh, and if you feel like you may be burning, just throw your "building better moms" t-shirt on to cover up.

Cate O'Malley said...

Haha, I'm right there with you. I'm thisclose to going myself, but haven't been since I was 20. Times have definitely changed.

Lauren W said...

Oh girl, please do not tan! I is so terrible for you. I say we all bring white back. If everyone would stop tanning, we would all look fabulous as hot pale chicks. Plus our skin will look fabulous when we're 80.

WPMomOf2 (jen) said...

okay, this is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!! I can so relate--ha!!! LOVE IT!

The Potters said...

SO FUNNY!!! Orange-sicle!! Bhahaha! Love it, Casey. BTW, please please please put on spf 50 and go lay outside for 30 minutes instead of lying in a tanning bed! It's yucky and very bad for you. You know this.

Merry Mack said...

Crying with laughter!

I have been once back in the day where I thought if I wanted to tan bad enough and really wished for it, it would be true. I'm over that!

Embrace the whiteness!

Clare said...

LOL at your entire story!! Hope it's going better now, if you have returned for more.

Moni said...

The last time I tanned in a bed, you could bring your own CD's and play them in the "jambox" in the room. That should tell you how long it has been since I microwaved my ovaries in a tanning booth. I am a huge fan of spray tans....and I also use Tan Towels that I get at any beauty supply store like Beauty Brands or Ulta. Then when I actually do go out in the sun, I lather on the 50 spf. Lindsay had some precancerous places removed from her back that were a direct result of tanning. Enough encouragement for me to NEVER again fake bake!